


Keep the Stars Inside

by lia (londonfog_faery)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A lot of internalized homophobia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Comfort/Angst, Coming Out, Coming Out Sensate, Gay, Gay Count: 36, Gay Pride, Gay Sirius Black, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, Like thats kind of the focus, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pride, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black is a Little Shit, Sirius black is punk rock, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24384847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londonfog_faery/pseuds/lia
Summary: Sirius struggles with internalized homophobia, this is kind of just his journey to accepting himself, and accepting his feelings for Remus.this was a prompt from a box of old prompts I have.Both my ADHD and my writing issues are present in this work, i'm so sorry.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	Keep the Stars Inside

**Author's Note:**

> TW:  
> Homophobic slurs!  
> Internalized Homophobia! (a lot it's essentially the plot)  
> Implied Abuse (it's sirius black what do you expect)  
> Self Loathing (it's remus lupin what do you expect)
> 
> I think that's it. I'm so sorry, please try to enjoy this mess :)

September of fifth year, and Peter was already droning on about what girl he thought was cute again.  
"Sirius, we're the only single ones left"   
"James is single" Sirius pointed out.  
"Yeah but not emotionally" Peter teased.  
"Words can hurt!" James pouted.  
"Okay, I guess you can partake in this conversation. So I mean, Amelie is adorable but-" God he just can't shut up can he? Sirius rolled his eyes slightly and sunk deeper into the couch. He was gazing over at Remus and that fourth year girl. Fucking Viola. The way she played with his hair and traced his scars. The way her little stupid delicate shoulders fit perfectly under his arm. And the way Remus looked at her, his eyes lighting up with the brilliance of the milky way.   
"Sirius" Peter's voice cut through whatever realm his mind had wandered into. "Sirius?"  
"What?" Sirius said shaking his head slightly and regaining eye contact.  
"Are you going to answer my question?" Peter asked furrowing his brow slightly. Peter couldn't help but think that if he was James Sirius probably would've already replied and asked a follow up question. But that's not what this story is about.   
"Which one?" Sirius asked. Peter almost always asked things in clusters.   
"Well which girls in our grade do you think are the prettiest- wait choose one from each house-"  
"Um" Sirius glanced around the common room. Fuck. He never really thought about this stuff. He tried to think about names other people had brought up. "None of the Slytherins" He smirked.   
"Lavinia Rosewood is cute" James shrugged. That shocked both of them.  
" _You_ think a slytherin is cute?" Sirius said clutching his heart from the feign betrayal.   
"You think a girl other than Lily is cute?!" Peter asked at the same time.  
"You can appreciate someones looks without wanting to date them" James shrugged. That made Sirius think, maybe he could just appreciate that someone like Remus for example was good looking. It wasn't hard to see. His perfect face, and his soft curls, his jawline, the way his lips-  
"Sirius? What's wrong with you?" It was James cutting through his thoughts this time.  
"Hmm?" Sirius glanced up meeting his eyes.   
"You keep zoning out, we still have gryffindor slytherin and hufflepuff left, c'mon man.   
"Oh yeah, right, um, Marlene?" He said wearily. He'd definitely heard Dorcas comment on how pretty she was.  
"Oh totally!" Peter agreed. "She's gorgeous, but I mean Hottest is probably Mary, that rack-"  
Sirius made a face with a glare. "Gross" He muttered.  
"What?" Peter looked up slightly startled by Sirius repulsion.   
"I just mean, we've known her since we were _eleven_ Pete. It's just ~weird~ like, why does it have to be about having tits or whatever" Sirius was always tentative about that stuff, because, I mean he wouldn't want to seem like a shirt-lifter.   
Pete shot a look at James. James shrugged.  
"He does go on long feminist rants when he's drunk, why are you surprised?" James snickered. "Also Lily, I love Marlene, but Lily-"   
Sirius used to think Lily liked Remus. Which made him aggravated. What if Remus had ended up dating Lily, James would never recover. That was it, right, that was as far as it went. He glanced over again at Remus. The girl was kissing his neck which caused Sirius to roll his eyes and turn away in repulsion. How was Remus enjoying that. Having a girls tongue on your neck. That did not sound like a fun time. Besides why did he have to do it in the middle of the fucking common room?

December of fifth year, and well, so, how do I put this? Okay, here we go: Spin the bottle decides that Sirius does not like kissing girls. Maybe he just doesn't like girls? No, no, he likes girls, he's normal, he just doesn't like _kissing_ them. Maybe Mary is just a bad kisser. Maybe he was too drunk? Maybe it was because he didn't like her. Weren't kisses supposed to be all fire works and dramatic music? Why did it feel like someone had wet willied his mouth. It wasn't awful. Maybe he did like, maybe he just wasn't used to it. They should play the game again. Sirius felt a twinge of Jealousy when James and Remus briefly kissed. It was short. But it made him angry. Or maybe he was just grossed out. Probably that. I mean he wasn't used to that feeling, but he wasn't used to two guys kissing. That was probably it. It was just weird. Wrong. Unnatural.   
"We should try that again" Mary smiled flirtaciously at the end of the game.   
"Try, what exactly?" Sirius hadn't tried to sound smooth and suave. It was just so easy to talk to girls. He didn't understand why Peter choked all over his words.   
"you know" Mary smirked biting her lip.  
"Do I?" Sirius cocked and eyebrow up. Jesus why was he so irresistable. He made a mental note to beat himself up for this.   
"Maybe I can speed up your memory-" She teased leaning forwards to kiss him again.   
"Um- No- I mean- I don't want to lead you on" Sirius said awkwardly pushing her away. He was stuck in a corner. Literally. His back was in a corner. Whatever confidence Mary had dissapated.   
"What?" She exclaimed. "You absolute- I can't believe you" She mumbled whacking him slightly with the book she was carrying back up to her dorm. Sirius sighed. Why couldn't he just like the feeling? Maybe he should've tried it again. It had been so instinctive to push him away. He glanced down the hallway only to see Remus and that girl fighting a little bit. It somehow made him kind of happy to see. Why was it so satisfying to see them fight? He was just happy Remus was possibly getting out of the relationship. Only because he deserved better.

March of fifth year and Sirius was wearing Remus' t-shirt. Sirius had jumped into the black lake on a dare, and well lets just say the giant squid apparently likes The Clash and want's their band tee. And even though Sirius was overheating like crazy he did not want to take it off. It smelt like Remus and- Okay, fuck, maybe he was gay. That was bad. That was not good. Suddenly now that he was thinking about it he tore the shirt off faster than a strike of lightning. That was confusing also. Everything was. If he wasn't gay why would he worry about taking it off, but if he was gay why would he even put it on in the first place? What were you supposed to do when everything was so confusing? Maybe write it down somewhere. But if he wrote it down, there would be written proof. Maybe saying it out loud would help. What would he even say? He walked into the bathroom. It was two thirty two am. He inhaled. Okay just look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say it.   
'Say what?' part of his brain coaxed.  
'I'm a fucking fag' he replied. Fuck, at least it'll make his mother a little more disappointed. That was a joke, he would _never_ tell his mother. Hell, he was never going to tell anybody. Specifically not Remus. Oh god, why did _that_ pop into his head. What was that about. He needed answers. If only he could get his hands on one of those cheesy muggle magazines Lily had. Surely one of them would have am I fucking fairy test. Or maybe the room of requirement would open and be full of rainbows or some shit. But he wasn't like that. He wasn't all flouncy and feminine. He didn't want to sit and paint his nails with Lily and Dorcas or whatever gay people did. He wasn't going to prounce around in tights at drag clubs. Oh god. Fuck. He just finds men more appealing then women. It's totally normal. Fuck. Just look in the mirror and say 'I'm gay' if it feels right than you'll know.   
He inhaled shutting his eyes and breathing out. When he opened his eyes he looked directly at his reflection.   
'I look pretty fucking straight' he thought. 'And I don't have a gay voice.' His head added.  
'Perfect, if I'm not gay, then when I say it I'll know'   
"Okay Sirius, this is easy just say it-" He mumbled to himself.  
"I'm-" The door creaked open.  
"FUCK" He jumped turning around.   
Remus groggily turned on the light.   
"Were you just fucking talking to your reflection?" Remus snickered raising his eyebrow up at Sirius.   
Sirius rolled his eyes ignoring the fact that his face was most definitely heating up. "N-no?" He mumbled awkwardly. Remus' pyjama pants sat low on his hips- and why was he noticing this- -oh fuck - - and he was shirtless exposing so many scars. He was so- don't fucking say it Sirius Orion Black, 'I fucking _dare_ you'.   
"What were you doing in here?" Remus laughed again. "You look so embarrassed" He teased ruffling his hair slightly which caused Sirius' breath to hitch slightly.   
"I was just- I had- I-" Sirius was choking on his words. "shower" he stammered out.   
Remus snickered again. "You Sirius Black, are sleep deprived as fuck." Remus stated.  
"Hey- Wait why are _you_ awake?" Sirius asked hoisting himself onto the counter sitting on the counter top. Suddenly Sirius was hyper aware of the fact that he was in nothing but pyjama pants as well. Oh god. This was bad. Really bad- no it wasn't, they were just friends, theres nothing bad about two **friends** being shirtless in the same room. _unless one of them wants them to be ~more~ than friends._ ShUT UP.   
"I wanted water-" Remus stated simply.   
"Were you crying?" Sirius asked narrowing his eyes at the taller boy. Sirius however was currently taller seeing as he was sitting on a counter.   
"Viola and I-" He sighed.   
"Why?" Sirius asked trying to mask the temporary giddiness that came before the crashing feeling that maybe he was queer. fuck.   
"Oh, she said she felt like I was keeping secrets-" He sighed.  
"She's not wrong" Sirius teased. This caused Remus to gasp in feign anger. He lunged forwards grabbing Sirius' wrists.   
"Say that again, I _dare_ you" Remus smirked.   
Just then a third person entered the room. It was James, his glasses were on upside down and his hair was twenty times messier than usual. He too was shirtless, apparently it was kind of the average for four sweaty pubescent boys sharing a room in late march (which was oddly hot this particular year) to go to sleep without a shirt on. Sirius calmed himself down briefly by realizing that he didn't have the same feelings about James as Remus, which then made him panic because he realized he wasn't just appreciating the good looks of Remus- oh god, oh no. SHIT.   
"There is a fuck ton of sexual tension right now-" He teased. Which would have been funny if Sirius was not SO FUCKING CONFUSED. _"_ What are you two doing here?"  
"I came in for a shower" Sirius said a little too quickly.   
"I wanted water" Remus replied at the same time.   
James nodded. "You two do realize that it's six forty five on a Saturday right?"   
Sirius' eyes widened. "wait- what- I haven't slept yet-" He muttered.   
"You were lying in bed when I got up" Remus pointed out.   
"What hellish hour did you get up?" James cried out. They were going to wake Peter if they weren't careful.   
"Five thirty" Remus shrugged. "full moons coming, I rise at sunrise" he snickered awkwardly.   
Sirius and James nodded.   
"So Padfoot did sleep he's just too punk rock to admit it" James teased.  
Sirius shook his head "I literally did not sleep at all"   
"Why not?" James laughed.   
"I- um" Sirius looked down feeling his face heat up again. "I just, n- nightmares?" He said questioning his decision as he said it.   
James suddenly got a stern motherly look on his face. Sirius knew this was going to be a lecture. Remus gave him a look from behind James that was a cheeky little grin. Sirius couldn't help but notice that he didn't seem _too_ torn up about the break up. Remus grabbed his water and left laughing giving Sirius a look that kind of said 'have fun dork'.   
Sirius was totally zoned out as James spoke.   
"Sirius I-"   
What did that smile mean? Maybe it was a little bit of romance? Mystery? Passion? Gayness? Was gayness an emotion? No, because you can't only feel gay sometimes. Or maybe you could, and if you could, maybe he wasn't actually gay.   
"still struggling with-"   
The way Remus' eyes sparkled with mischeif, or maybe he was also pining a little bit.  
"emotional and psychological trauma-"   
No, no way someone like Remus was gay. He was so _straight._ Right? Or maybe not? If Sirius wasn't straight- If oh fuck, anybody could be gay? Could anybody be gay? Maybe James was gay? Wait, Remus had a girlfriend, and James is in love with Lily, nope just Sirius. Of course only Sirius was fucking gay.   
"Nurse Solacelay could-"   
Sirius just was burdened with every problem in their friend group. Okay that was definitely not fair. Everyone had problems. James was expected to be the perfect Gryffindor jock dick or whatever. Remus was a werewolf with self loathing. And Peter was, well Peter?   
"You should've told me" James finished.   
"Yeah sorry" Sirius said pretending he had heard whatever the fuck James had said aside from the few snippets he'd picked up.   
  


Sirius only knew one gay person. Or maybe he knew a lot just without knowing they were gay. That was Jason.   
Jason was in Ravenclaw and he wore a scarf in a figure eight and gossiped with girls. And if Jason was gay, then Sirius couldn't be, he just liked some boys kind of maybe. They were studying in the library and Peter, Remus, and James were admiring the girls. Sirius couldn't help but notice that Remus didn't look too engaged. However Sirius was almost more bored than he was when they saw the muggle street performers dancing. Peter was sure one of them was at least part Veela, Sirius tried to act interested but it was boring as fuck. They weren't even good at dancing.   
"Sirius really isn't paying attention" He suddenly heard Remus say his name.   
"Girls over there just aren't to his standards" Peter teased.  
"No girl ever will be" James snickered. "Will they Pads?" James added scruffing up his hair a little.   
Sirius forced a laugh. "He's really feminine" Sirius suddenly muttered with a small gulp. "Everyone already knows he's a fag why does he have to flaunt it around you know?" He added. He didn't know what compelled him to say this. Maybe he was overcompensating.   
"That was really uncalled for" Remus suddenly sounded really defensive. "He's a great guy" Remus added furrowing his brow with an awkward hurt glare at Sirius.   
"Yeah Sirius that wasn't really fair- It's hard enough already for him" James added.  
"He's been through a lot already" Peter joined in. Definitely not as passionately as the first two, but he always seemed to just join the bandwagon.   
"I- didn't mean it like that I Just" Sirius muttered. "It doesn't matter" he added. "Can someone help me with the boggart section, I skipped that week in third year"   
"You skipped the whole week?" Peter gaped.  
"Um, dolt, you helped me" Sirius said with a little 'are you stupid' smile.   
"Theres a book on boggarts right next to that really big muggle book" Remus smiled awkwardly pointing to a book shelf a couple rows away. Remus still seemed kind of closed off and Sirius' heart beat a little faster when he thought maybe he'd insulted him, because maybe Remus was gay. Oh god, that was crazy, he has had multiple girlfriends- but he has broken up with all of them- yeah no shit that's how dating works.   
  
Sirius trudged over to the shelves reading all the titles when suddenly he bumped into none other than Jason.  
"Oh sorry" He said awkwardly looking away.   
"No problem" Jason smiled.   
He suddenly seemed really normal and Sirius kind of felt bad for judging him so harshly. FUCK. Now he was getting all soft because Jason was gay. Wait but why would being gay even change anything in the first place? No, it just does. That's just how it is. Maybe it isn't? Sirius was gay wasn't he? And, that didn't change anything right? Okay, but it would to per say, his mother, not that she even mattered anymore. Could she even be considered his mother if she didn't consider him her son? Hey mom, I've got another great reason for you to disown me! I'm in love with a broke halfblood werewolf, who happens to be a guy! Oh fuck, oh no, oh god, did he just- is he in love with Lupin? Oh god no. Oh fuck SHit mErlIN FUck.   
"Nice shirt, since I now know you have good taste, Hufflepuff at three o' clock, do you think he's cute?" Jason said glancing over the books.   
Sirius was slightly startled. "I don't know, I'm straight" Saying those words felt wrong, but it felt like they were meant to be right anyways.   
Jason rolled his eyes "you're one of _those_ people, you can thing a guys handsome without being in love with them Black" He sighed.  
"well, then yeah, he's cute, you should go for it" Sirius smiled awkwardly giving him a shoulder pat. It was uncomfortable as fuck. But Sirius felt satisfied with it for some odd reason.  
"Um, wait Jason, how did-" Sirius knew what he wanted to ask but asking that would just be a dead giveaway. "I mean have you seen a book on boggarts?" He covered quickly.   
Jason gave him what appeared to be a pitying smile. "Yeah, Black buddy, it's in your hand"   
Fuck. April was not going too well. 

By May it was decided that Dorcas Meadowes is not that subtle. Neither is Sirius Black. Dorcas was practically eye fucking Marlene for all of potions and Sirius noticed. He proceeded to sit next to her the next potions class. Without realizing it. The pair was observing one another. Dorcas noted how his notes were covered in scribbled out words that appeared to have cursive R's and M's. She took into account all the drawings of moons and stars, which could've been anything but they literally call Remus Moony and Sirius means star. She totally could be reading too into this hoping that he's gay, but she could be right and that would be worth it. The final straw was when she noticed a little page at the back of Sirius' notebook. It said. "I guess I'm fucking" and then there was the space for an about three letter word completely scratched out as if he was trying to hide a dead body under the ink. Only one word fit well there. Sirius noticed the way Dorcas always immediately hugged Marlene after they won quidditch. She was also constantly doing little acts of service. She described her amortentia with the scent of Roses, and although not everyone knew this Marlene used a rose flavoured lip gloss (which Sirius knew because when he 'dated' her in second year and they 'kissed' he mostly focused on how her lips tasted like madame puddifoots cafe)   
So, he cornered her after dinner in a little hallway.   
"You're a sappho" He said.  
"you're a shirt lifter" She replied with a smirk and a shrug.  
"Did you just call me a bottom?" Sirius exclaimed.   
"You're not denying it" She smirked which received a little punch.  
"I don't even know if I'm actually-" Sirius added. He still couldn't say the word.   
"Nor do I" Dorcas nodded.  
"it's really-"  
"confusing? Yeah" She laughed.  
"This is nice" Sirius smiled.  
And so they began hanging out, and talking about everything, and how confusing and weird it was, although, Dorcas seemed a lot less opposed to the whole gay thing than Sirius. She did mention how he was homophobic a couple of times, and that made him even more confused because if he really was gay, how could he be a homophobe?

And In June we come to the conclusion, Lily Evans is too observant for her own good. Now where does this conclusion come from? Let me tell you. Severus had just called Lily a mudblood, and then James made a vow to stop bullying him. Which Lily overheard, and she felt as though he must've somehow knew she was listening. Maybe he was just growing up, probably not. Lily was getting close with Remus. They'd been getting close since fifth year, but she'd just confronted him about the lycanthropy thing, and he'd been grateful she was fine with it. Then later she confronted him about the bi thing. He was shocked because how the fuck had she known. But Remus hadn't been subtle. Remus had been talking about a girl he'd linked up with over the summer. Except he never specified it was a girl. He almost always referred to them as Jamie. And for a hot second Lily was startled because HOLY FUCK REMUS IS DATING JAMES. And then she asked him about that and Remus laughed. But, she had been correct, it was a boy. So when the Gryffindors were celebrating James' quidditch win, Lily was surprised to see Sirius sitting secluded kind of a way from the drama.   
"Black" She said sitting across from him on the love seat.  
"Evans" He replied with a curt little head nod.   
"So, what's up bud?" She asked.  
"Why do people keep calling me that?" He mumbled.  
"hmm?"   
"Nothing" The black hair boy added with a sigh. "What do you mean whats up?"  
"Even at breakfast today you weren't really talking to your friends. Hell you've been just talking to Dorcas, a fuck ton" Lily laughed. "What, do you guys have some sort of super-hot-but-never-dates-people-club?"   
Sirius laughed awkwardly with a shrug. "something like that, but more like joint crisis club"   
"What kind of crisis are you going through Black? I'm sure it's nothing to do with exams" Lily snickered. She was starting to find the Marauders annoying habits amusing. Including their little pranks.   
"I will give you nothing else, I'm a very secretive person, nobody can know, and if I tell you you'll have to die" Sirius smirked playfully. It was jokey enough she couldn't figure out. She was quiet and his eyes drifted over to Remus.   
"Dorcas and I actually have a lot in common" he added.   
Lily's eyes widened. "I should've known it! Oh Sirius-" She laughed.   
Panic flashed over Sirius' eyes "don'ttellanyone" He said quickly furrowing his brow.   
"Don't blame Dorcas I noticed you staring at him" She gave him a soft smile.  
"...who?" He said slightly panicked.   
"Remus" She seemed so soft a tentative, as if telling a child Santa wasn't real.   
"I- I don't know- a- Merlin fuck" He mumbled. He always played too dumb.   
"Sirius it's okay, your friends won't care if your gay-"  
"I'm not" Sirius whisper shouted. "Please lower your voice" he added desperately.   
Lily nodded. "Okay, but if you were, hypothetically, they would be just as cool as we were with Dorcas, I'm sure James and Pete would accept you, I don't see why you'd be worried"  
"You left out Remus" Sirius said staring at her. "What do you know- is he" Sirius face looked nervous and disappointed. "Is he homophobic?" he mumbled.  
Lily's eyes widened again. "Wait- You guys don't know? He's bi"   
"By what?" Sirius asked looking up at her.   
Lily pursed her lips slightly before laughing. "Sorry- I'm not laughing at you I promise- but, it just means you swing both ways"   
Sirius still looked confused as hell.  
"He likes girls and boys"   
Sirius glanced to the side. "oh" He said standing up and walking back to their dorm. How did that somehow make things worse. He had a choice. It meant that he would obviously choose being normal over being ~~with Sirius~~ gay.   
  
"Sirius?" Remus asked peering into the room.   
He was laying on his bed. "Whats up?" Sirius sat up with a forced smile.  
"Lily said you wanted to talk to me?" He offered.  
Sirius was suddenly kind of pissed. "Oh haha, weird, no I have nothing I want to talk about-"   
"Oh, okay" Remus turned around.  
"i'mgoingtokillher" Sirius mumbled.  
"What?"Remus spun around. Fucking werewolf senses.   
Sirius looked sideways "nothing" he said blatantly lying, and both of them knew it.  
"Look, if you're starting to realize how dangerous I am because of all the D.A.D.A studying or something I get it and I've been kind of expecting it so-"   
"No! No Moons, that's not it at all-" Sirius smiled. "I promise it has noth- that it's not about that at all, okay? Lily just didn't really- I just- fuck" He mumbled pulling his knees into his chest starting to prey that Remus didn't recently learn the art of legillemency. Lily did not have the right to do this, she technically didn't out him, but she almost did in a way?  
"Don't be mad at Lily-" Remus started.  
"I can be mad at whoever the fuck I-"  
"No, because she didn't say anything, I just saw you guys talking and you kept like looking at me I just wanted to know if-" His voice cracked slightly "If you hate me or something"  
Sirius shook his head with a small smile "it's nothing like that I promise"   
Remus gave him a soft smile "sorry if I freaked you out about something-" He added.  
"It's- It's fine-" That was a lie, if it were anybody but Remus he would probably have already pushed them up against a wall, although he would like to push Remus up- FUCK.   
  


Veritaserum. But extremely watered-down. The effects barely last a minute. Great way to kick of sixth year. A mature game of truth truth or truth. Whichever little shit got their hands on it sucks ass. Not actually though because it was probably James and he'd never even kissed a girl (the boys teased him because he was abstaining but instead of for god, for Lily) They sat in a circle and spun a bottle. The kissing game wasn't fun anymore because it was obvious that none of them liked each other (except for Lily and James, and Sirius and Remus but what they don't know can't hurt them, kind of)   
"Alright James take a swig" Mary tossed the little bottle to him. (She'd made up with Sirius by now)   
"Ummmm when was the last time you cried?"   
"Last night, Sirius fell down the stairs and it was really really funny"  
"Damn it Dorcas you're meant to specify crying from sad and happy" Mary rolled her eyes with a snicker.  
"Alice" James said tossing her the bottle. "Are you and Frank dating?"  
"...yes" She replied which got some little gasps.  
"This is an abuse of power" Frank stated. "This is also an illegal potion"  
"Hey! you all agreed to this." James protested.   
"Okay, um, Dorcas" Alice tossed her the bottle. "what's the worst intimate experience you've ever had?" There were some immature little giggles from around the circle.  
"Oh when Tyler Boot kept kissing me at the Halloween party, oh just" She made a little fake puking face.   
"Okay Marlene, who would you kiss if you had to kiss someone in this circle"   
Marlene's eyes widened and she covered her mouth, "you". It was pretty clear it went pretty silent.   
"oh, well in that case do you wanna go try that out" Dorcas smirked.  
"Fuck you're smooth" Marlene giggled standing up. "oh Um Sirius" she said tossing the bottle. He took a sip knowing it wouldn't matter. "What's your boggart?"  
"I don't have one" he smirked.   
"Hold up, he didn't drink it. Take another sip and pour from above your mouth" he did it. "okay, Sirius, what's your boggart"   
"it's- It's" He thrashed around dramatically. "i don't have one" he laughed. "I just don't, I'm not afraid of anything." He shrugged. Dorcas and Lily exchanged a glance at the same time James and Remus did. Just then Dorcas pulled Marlene out of the room.   
"And we've lost two." Frank snickered.  
"Frank, are you in love with-"   
"NOPE SIRIUS SHUT UP!" Alice squealed. "Are you in love with Quidditch, is what he was going to ask"   
"not really quidditch is boring." He replied Alice gave a satisfied smirk pointed towards Sirius.  
"Remus, prettiest person in this room"   
Remus hesitated for a while. "Sirius" he muttered out quickly. Sirius' breath hitch and he felt his face heat up. The vibes in the room were very off.  
"Um, duh, not going to lie I'll be disappointed if _any_ of you don't say my name" Sirius snorted, that fixed it, James was rolling his eyes again and they moved on. Except Sirius, he couldn't stop thinking about it.   
"So, Lily, What do you think of James?" Sirius snickered.  
"Aw not again, you guys really do have to keep hurting his ego" Mary snickered.   
"He's fun to be around, and kind of cute" Lily giggled. "But Potter don't let this get to your head, I will _not_ go on a date with you any time soon, unless you ask me in a way that's even more dramatic than the song you sang last year-" She snickered.   
James was beaming.   
  
  


It took until October for Sirius to finally say what he promised himself he would say at least sixth months ago.   
"Rem" he said quietly shifting around slightly.  
"Yeah?" Remus asked. Their friendship had been kind of full of caution after the incident but Sirius had a weird compulsion to tell him, and to tell him _right now.  
_"remember how last year I kind of had something tell you and then I didn't tell you?" He started sitting at the end of Remus' bed. The stars were out and Pete and Prongs were out cold.   
"Yes pads I remember, are you going to try and sleep?" Remus asked. He was still very hurt and deflective, but he can't hate Sirius no matter how much he wishes he could.   
"um, well, I want to tell you now" Sirius also seemed really hurt. He looked younger. He always looked younger when he was vulnerable. He was knelt on the end of the taller boys bed with his head looking at his hand shifting uncomfortably. It was reminiscent of when he used to wake Remus to tell him he was having a nightmare and he couldn't go back to bed. That had stopped in fourth year, or at least Sirius waking people up (wether he physically woke them up or he screamed in his sleep) did.   
Remus felt as though turning him down would be too cold hearted no matter how tempted he was. He wanted to hurt Sirius as much as Sirius hurt him, but he also really did not want to, Sirius had been through enough, and merlin, he kind of was desperately in love. Maybe not quite in love. But, alas, he was pining, maybe unrequited love at best. Jokes on Remus though because it most definitely is requited.   
"You can tell me anything yeah pads?" His voice went soft. Sirius had a tendency to open up about things late at night when he wasn't thinking straight (ironic) and then regretting it in the morning an avoiding whoever he'd opened up to. This had taken it's toll specifically on the young werewolf because 8/10 times Sirius would go to him. He didn't really know why. Neither of them did. Sirius had once said he felt like he could trust Remus with his life. Remus scoffed because he's a freaking werewolf and none of the marauders seem to understand that. Inevitably, Remus had also gone to Sirius for help, it was probably Lily a quarter of the time, James a quarter, and Sirius a half.   
It almost made Sirius more worried about telling him however, because what if he was preparing to comfort him, and then suddenly he got repulsed. It would be so obvious. What if Remus thought he liked him that way? What if he did like him that way? Correction, what if he found out he liked him that way? This was an awful idea, it's too late now, if he didn't say anything then Remus would probably get more pissed, or think it's about him being a werewolf, which had nothing to do with the whole gay thing, but Remus didn't know anything about the whole gay thing.   
"I'm" Sirius inhaled a shaky breath. He closed his eyes, kind of like he did in front of the mirror last year. _He's bi, and he's one of your best friends, he's not going to hate you_ HES GOING TO FUCKING HATE YOU. "I'm- " He inhaled again.   
Remus just kind of stared at him, he kind of guessed what was coming, but he could be totally off. It could be 'I'm desperately in love with Lily Evans'. Oh god, what if it was going to be 'I'm desperately in love with Lily Evans'. That would be awful. James would be hurt, and Sirius would be fucked. ~~Speaking of fucking Sirius.~~   
"please don't hate me" Sirius whispered. His stomach was churning. "at least not more than you already do right now- why am I doing this, I'm so stupid, I- please don't hate me-"   
"Sirius, calm down, I don't hate you, and I doubt anything you can say will make me hate you" Remus laughed slightly. He wasn't trying to de-validate Sirius' clearly troubling, panicking, intrusive thoughts. He just wanted to lighten the mood. Sirius was most comfortable when he knew he could play anything off as a joke.   
"I'm- fuck" he mumbled.  
"Sirius don't kill me if I'm wrong, but are you... gay?" Remus offered cautiously furrowing his brow in curiousity and also a little lot of hope.   
Sirius' eyes widened and he looked slightly bewildered. "no I'm not gay" Well, hey, the word was clearly not impossible to say. He looked down at his hands and shifted slightly. "I'm a little gay"   
"Does that mean you like girls and guys?" Remus asked softly. Jesus why was he being so nice? Sirius wondered.   
Sirius had his brow furrowed in what appeared to be shame. He shook his head. Jesus he looked so young. It was weird. He always seemed so at ease and cocky. It was weird.   
"nope, I'm gay" He murmured.   
"How long've you known?"   
Sirius shrugged. "Maybe I really started thinking about it in fifth year when- I don't know" _when you were dating that Viola girl._  
"Hey, I could never hate you, yeah?" He whispered. "Not for something like that, and I'm really proud of you okay? It takes a lot of courage to tell someone"   
Sirius nodded. "I never even said it aloud until-" He mumbled.   
Remus couldn't help but wonder why me? Why not James?   
Remus partially blamed whatever made him _so_ worried about this on his parents. Everything was his parents fault. It wasn't an excuse per say, mostly an explanation.   
"C'mere" Remus said hugging him.   
"Why would you hug me, aren't you worried I'm like, into you?" He mumbled.   
"You're my best friend Pads" Remus whispered back. "Besides, would it really be the end of the world if you liked me?" Remus teased.   
Sirius looked up "I dunno, would it?" He asked quietly.   
Remus leaned forwards and kissed him, it was a little bit impulsive. Sirius kissed back.   
When they pulled away Sirius mumbled something about Lily saying Remus was bi which made the werewolf snicker a bit.   
"That felt right" He smiled.   
"Not just a little gay?" Remus teased.  
"Too soon" Sirius smirked back.  
"Are you gonna tell the others?" Remus asked.   
"Yeah, how bad can it be" He said exhaling with a smile.   
"I think it's hardest to come out to yourself" Remus whispered lying down. Sirius tentatively lay next to him and nodded. "I have one more question"   
"Oh Merlin" Sirius muttered with an eyeroll.  
"side note, glad you're your normal self again" (that received a small elbow) "and you can't actually not have a boggart, so what the fuck?"  
Sirius snickered. "It's my best party trick, I'm immune"   
"To what? Veritaserum?"   
"Only in tiny quantities, but the stuff we use is so watered down it doesn't even compell me to tell the truth" He shrugged.  
"What the fuck, how? why?"   
"My mum who happens to be my boggart, used to use it to make us admit to stuff, it was not fun, you couldn't get away with anythingggg" He snickered. "So, you think I'm pretty" He said with a cheeky grin.   
This time Remus was blushing. "don't make me hate myself any more than I already do-"  
"Those jokes aren't funny! I'm telling James" Sirius snickered.  
"Ahhhh! No don't tell Prongs! He'll ground me and give me a pep talk" Remus snickered.

And there they lay, with the stars, and the moon, over their enamoured selves.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you SO much for reading this whole thing!  
> I hope you somehow enjoyed it!  
> Please feel free to leave constructive criticism, I'm working on my writing right now. 
> 
> Both my ADHD and my reading issues are present in this fic, and I'd like to apologize for that.


End file.
